We humans get attached to identities, stories, metaphors, and ideas. That attachment helps us with uncertainty, which can be experienced as anxiety or even pain. The more certain we can be, the better we feel. Uncertainty disrupts the brain's reward system, overloads the prefrontal cortex, and activates the anterior cingulate cortex, leading to increased feelings of stress and discomfort. That last part isn't a given, but it usually occurs if you don't have a practice for embracing uncertainty and making it work for you.
Archiving Identities
When we settle on an identity, we have one less thing to think about; that thing has been decided.
I'm the kind of person who puts others first. <--That's a statement of identity and informs actions and thoughts.
Humans will stick to the story about who they are even when it doesn't work for them. Part of the reason is that archiving that identity leaves an identity vacuum. This chasm of uncertainty is so dreaded that we cling to identities that don't serve us to avoid experiencing it. Who am I if I don't put others first?
Are your various identities all working for you?
Archiving Stories
In addition to stories about who we are, we have stories about what happened. Maybe you have a story that explains why a certain relationship ended or is "toxic."
Or maybe you're attached to that one time when so-and-so said X and did Y, and to this day they have a different story about what happened. Neither of you will budge; you're both certain your recollection of the events is what really happened.
But you both might be correct. We all have our perspectives and stories that are true for us. What we see and hear are informed by our bodily states, and our past experiences are still alive in our minds and bodies. We create our realities.
So while you've been walking around with your story, and other people are walking around with theirs, and we're all constructing our realities, including emotions, stress, and illness, informed by our stories, there's another way—archive your stories that don't work and are causing suffering.
There's no reason to hold onto your stories that get in the way of your well-being, relationships, work, and life satisfaction. You can decide not to give them energy, craft a new story that includes what you used to believe and hold onto, and simply move on.
What stories do you tell yourself that aren't working for you?
Archiving Metaphors
I think a lot about the metaphors we live by. Not the book, the idea, although the book is a must-read.
For years, I've been flummoxed by our refusal to archive the butterfly as a symbol of human transformation. It misses the mark in such an obvious way. But everyone's been using it for years. It's ubiquitous so it must be appropriate, right?
Yes, the caterpillar metamorphosizes. But guess what it doesn't have? Agency. It cannot become a different kind of butterfly because of its choices. It doesn't shape its future. A Monarch caterpillar will become a chrysalis and then a Monarch butterfly will emerge if all goes well. If all doesn't go well (weather, predators, unfortunate location), a Monarch doesn't emerge or it does and it doesn't survive.
But a Blue Morpho will never emerge. There's no such thing as a Monarch caterpillar rebelling and deciding it wants to be a vivid, iridescent Blue Morpho. Or a cat. It has no control over its destiny—over how its transition plays out and who it will be when it's over.
The story of the butterfly is a story about genetic programming; there's no nature and nurture debate and no nod to intentions, character, social support, or decision-making. There are only circumstances beyond its control, and how it has evolved to meet them.
Maybe it's time to archive that metaphor.
What metaphors do you think have outlived their usefulness?
Archiving Ideas
"Must you forget to forgive? A scientist tests the relationship," by Shayla Love, points to research around the forgive-and-forget pairing that questions whether we need to forgive OR forget.
I think there are offences that are unforgivable, and that we don’t have a moral obligation to forgive them.
What do you think about that?
I agree with it completely. But I also don't think in terms of forgiveness and do more of what the article suggests—reappraisal.
If forgiveness typically involves emotionally reappraising what has happened, then it might be possible to reach that same solace without having to forgive.... even without forgiveness, someone may still be able to feel the relief that forgiveness provides if they’re taught emotional reappraisal strategies for the negative feelings that arise when they think of the wrongdoing. The end result could be close to forgiveness. One example of such an approach could be temporal distancing. This is a reappraisal strategy that prompts people to imagine how they might feel about an event in the future (e.g., less intensely), which research suggests can reduce negative feelings in the present.
Perhaps the healthiest habit we can cultivate is one that doesn't store and encode our experiences as traumatic or otherwise harmful.
All this archiving is possible. And the good news is you don't HAVE TO have a replacement at the ready. This isn't like updating your priors, when you learned that there's no such thing as amygdala hijack and that theory was replaced with our current understanding of the brain.
Archiving is about admitting that this doesn't work anymore. Whatever it is. It likely served a purpose and you can thank it and send it on its way, but you no longer need it.
What's left in its place is . . . possibility. Archiving gives you the opportunity to intentionally create something new. Stories, metaphors, ideas, and identities can all be revised or recreated at any moment. Your mind is that powerful.
What will you create?
Who will you be?
Hit reply and let me know!
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